Time for another My Immortal Commentary
by The One The Only Marty D
Summary: This has bean reviewed so many times you can turn it into a drinking games every time you see a commentary you take a shot but I'm still going to review it join me as I review the "worst fanfic of all time"
1. Meet the wardrobe

**Yeah I know this Fanfic has bean commented on to hell and back. However, that doesn't mean I can throw my hat in to the ring of Harry Potter sh*ty fanfic and also you know who I am ,The One The Only Marty D and lets get on with my commentary on My Immortal. (Side note: hey guys its only going to be TOTOMD Nick is only a Moon Daughter 2 reviewer and I'm not sure if I want to make a Harry Potter OC to help TOTOMD I decide on it on chapter 4)**

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AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)** ? and I thought XxMoonlightxx writing was hard to read. **2 my gf (ew not in that way)** homophobe much **raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. **Yeah and they did a great job **U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!**2012 was weird**

** Chapter 1: meet the witch **

Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way ** nice name no I'm mean it I really like old fashioned names **and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name** if your name after your hair color isn't that kind of an insult.**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-backand icy blue eyes like limpid tearsand a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)** no I'm staying ** I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie** *great get ready for witch Flavia **

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white **you got Twilight in my Harry Potter **. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England** Scotland and also then your a vitch no wichire oh I know a b*tch **where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen)**congratulations you know your age lets go get some ice cream **I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)** no your a emo to the extremo **and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there** UK readers do you guys have hot topic over there if not I'm immigrating immediately.**

For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots** nice splash of color you really are a goth **I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about** Hey guys it's raining and snowing no school today **A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them** yeah way to go flipping people if for just looking at you also you guys are welcome the story thats all 1 paragraph I divided it up for you guys **

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!** let me guess he going to run away or do something stupid and get embarrassed **

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. **this is the first dialog ladies and gentlemen just take it all in "what's up Draco" and "Nothing" your changing literacy as we know it **But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away** and then I never returned **

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

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**now so you guys know unlike moon daughter 2 I have never read this so I remain unbiased on live it hate it. But if what they are saying is tire and It's Bad like AWFUL then get ready for me to pull the hair out of my sole. I would also like to point out that the original was deleted so I'm using another commentary for this so I'll leave the credit of the review so you can the story and the review just a head up the author in interrupts the story a lot like more than me so yeah see you when I see you **

**Story source:**** s/6868291/1/Not-Another-My-Immortal-Commentary**


	2. It's like School of Rock but worst

**Chapter 2: its like "School of Rock" but Worst**

**Story source:**** s/6868291/1/Not-Another-My-Immortal-Commentary well let's get on with it **

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AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!** cause God knows you need a writer** BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok ** I'm just gonna say it once constructive criticism is not flaming. **

The next day I woke up in my bedroom** wait didn't you say that you were going to hang out with some friends at the end of chapter 1 so why do you skip the next day unless you have no friends. **It was snowing and raining again ** and meteorologist we're still ****try and**** figure out how you do that **I opened the door of my coffin** they don't have doors they have lids **and drank some blood from a bottle I had My coffin was black ebony** no punctuation also ** and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends** cause remember I is goth.**I got out of my coffin and took of **Off ** my giant MCR t-shirt** that covers my entire body and that why I sleep commando **Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on** fishnets? **I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun** because I don't do need it to be neat.**

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)** you put your friend in this you get an A+ in kindergarten **woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black** nice use of putting black in twice **hair with pink streaks **becuase having purple streaks while wearing black might have people think we're showing**** are asexual pride also happy pride out there (I'm Bisexual) **and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeledhigh-heeled boots** ughh I don't think they make high-heeled boots **We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)** personality so far ima emo sorry goth and that is it oh I also like the color pink **

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.** correct wizard curse "Merlin's beard I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday"**

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.** your a vampire you don't have blood so you can't blush **

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the SlytherinSlytherin common room and into the Great Hall.** "because I forgot to tell you what house I was in. In the previous chapter" and also that is still not helping Slytherin house stereotypes also also how are you in Slytherin I thought one of the main reasons to put you in Slytherin is your a pure bloods and on the extreme end you want all muggle borns to be dead **

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. ** I'm secretly a valey girl **Just then, Draco walked up to me

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. ** awww vanilla romance **

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.** I'm just going to use the point that emonpy use so "****I didn't know Good Charlotte were: A. A goth band, and B. Wizards. Otherwise they wouldn't be able to get in to Hogsmeade, on account of they wouldn't be able to see it" not my point but my point was close to this **

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. **again Merlin's beard **love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. **yeah more personality like liking emo I mean goth bands **

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.** and not finished the sentence so I could have a cliff hanger**

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**well are you still going I can already tell this story this story is doing one thing that I hate telling and and not showing there's too many little details that ****she has to lay**** out to a group of three year olds which we're not I'm also going to be pulling questions that I ask that you can answer and if they did answer it I'm going to put the answer next to them so here we go**

**1) What house are they in? ANSWERED **

**2) How is she going to Hogwarts because if you remember wizard Family freak out when ****they found out lupin was**** was a werewolf so they're not going to be al****right with a vampire going to Hogwarts **

**3) why the bland characters ANSWERED **


	3. Drink,Drugs,Self harm oh my

**Story source:**** s/6868291/1/Not-Another-My-Immortal-Commentary **

**That tittle will make sense when we read what is with shit*y fanfic writing in serious topics and making them jokes but I digress also thanks for: MarauderMist for reviewing no guest reviews so let's get on with it **

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AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! ** or little children **FANGS AGEN RAVEN!** THAT IS NOT EVEN ENGLISH WHAT IS SHE WRITING IN GIBBERISH-IES **oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**she never left a link to see something good so were stuck reading this **

On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels** I have never been in one but I don't think you wear that to a concert **Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front** fun fact (take it with a grain of salt) if you wear that to a concert according to my sister people are going to assume your a slut **put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky** with out gel because screw you gravity ** I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists** what the f*ck it even had the comedic pause seriously that was just for a joke .** I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop** so your blaming media for that awful joke and also you are a vampire you can't bleed also also if you wait for the blood to stop then it turns out you are half dead because we need blood to survive and since she never specified what ****direction she cut her self so I just assume she bled to death *end of book* **and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway** congratulations you remember a character trait it took you 3 character to figure it out.**I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.** so is that were she get her blood I- no comment **

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car **witch is illegal so Ebony im too tired to lookup your lastname and Draco Malfoy Azkaban****)**. He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too)** yeah Simple plan tee shirt is my favorite band that doesn't exist **, baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!)** you know I be ok with this if it wasn't for you know rewriting Malfoy's character Malfoy in the books and movies would never integrate into muggle culture becuase his father was a follower of wizard Hitler and also his family is so prejudice of muggles and muggle borns I don't think he would want to do anything of this.**

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666) **ok who thought it was funny to put that in there 666 and magic that like holding up a card to Christians that said "Laugh" **and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.** Becuase screw you mom you can't tell me what to do **When we got there, we both hopped out of the car** killing are selves in the process.**We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage** then why did you wear heels **and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).** how could we not tell that was the only good thing so far **

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.** I thought you were at hogsmeat and in a mosh pit so why would he be in a club oh that's the song ooooh it makes sense now **

Suddenly Draco looked sad** sorry but gasp jealously what I have to do one gasp joke a review **

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said** no you don't I'm telling mom **

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective** because yaa shipping**

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer **you should be drunk by now or high or something **and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz **so drinking while driving **but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest! **drama **

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**Long chapter but I manage fun fact during the thing were I had to read about the self harm I had to leave my desktop and go to my my laptop becuase my desktop is in the living room sink didn't want my parents to wonder why I was reading about self harm anyway see you when I have time sorry its finals week this week so I'm trying to find places to upload I'll also have announcement next week when I'm off from school the question you can read but I'll see you when I see you **

**1) What house are they in? ANSWERED**

**2) How is she going to Hogwarts because if you remember wizard Family freak out when ****they found out lupin was**** was a werewolf so they're not going to be al****right with a vampire going to Hogwarts **

**3) why the bland characters ANSWERED**

**4) were is the golden trio **

**5) why is Malfoy so out of character **


	4. I Love Doing it in the Forest Wait

**Story source:**** s/6868291/1/Not-Another-My-Immortal-Commentary **

**Warning surpise lemon ok and thank you Kurt50Alien for following you get a surprise **

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AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY**ok i know that **nut mary su ** oh how cute hunny we know thats not her name thats her personality **OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! ***cough* yeah right cogh* **dey nu eechodder b4 ok!** ?**

"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it** falling to his death ** I walked out of it too, curiously** wondering why im not falling to my death**

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.** i love this 1 sentence dialog**

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow** again nice use of using the same word twice **and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. **so you like evil bois **

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly** keenly means (from google dictionary) ****in an eager or enthusiastic manner so he was egar to get in your pants don't you just love Danny Zuko I mean Draco Malfoy **against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra** becuase sex I dunno I was trying to make a joke but I can't **Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time** wow nice inuendo i would have said "his baskilist in my chamber of secrets" but hey not my fanfic**

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.** i don't think that is the right termanology **We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm** even though I don't have blood but hey I don't care **And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"

It was….Dumbledore!** and he also said "HARRY dID YOU pUt YOur NAME in DA GOBLET of FIAH" **

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**I'm not gonna give a chapter thoughs its short and stupid and not as worst moving forward. I'm am gonna give you guys an update school is done so updates will be more common and by more common i meanI will have an *gasph* upload schedule Monday Wednesday Friday is Moon Daughter 2 days Tuseday, Thursday is My immortal and Saturdays is my favorite my first orginal story an Hunger game SYOT well see you when I see you (upload scheudle takes effect June 24) **


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